I had a good heart to heart with my good girlfriend, Tiff, last night. We lose touch here and there, but in the end we can always come to each other no matter what. Our talk last night was...hard. It was good, it was bad. It was happy, yet painful. She told me I basically threw her up and down and all around. I told her what she wanted to hear because I'm her friend and I have her back; I'll always be biased and take her side. But I also was brutally honest even if it was hurtful. And even if I was trying to help her and be there for it, those things I said really stuck out to me too. It affected me just as much, hurt just as much, made me cry just as much. So many things I didn't say, but felt over the past couple of years just welled up inside me. But I did feel good after our talk. And it felt empowering somehow.
Then I had somewhat of the same talk with my brother today. It led me to feel like this:
That's right. I said it. I don't mean to be vulgar but let's face it. I have my moods. Doesn't everyone?
I used to be strong, dedicated, tenacious. I knew what I wanted and I would go get it even if it was hard. I was a little lost. Who doesn't every now and again? But I figured out how to get through and went on. I was my happiest in 2008, 2009, and half of 2010. After a string of unsuccessful attempts at finding a major, I decided to do something I've been wanting to do since I was 16. Go to beauty school -- Pivot Point. Those years were the best. I was succeeding, I was happy, I felt great. I was strong-willed and ambitious, excited for my future.
Then it went crashing around my feet. I won't get into the very dirty, personal details. Just know that it was and has been HORRIBLE. Worse than that. It's heartbreaking and it doesn't get easier. I wasted so much time trying to fix something that I didn't break, that wasn't my problem to fix. I obsessed over it, let it take over my life. I lost focus on myself and put all my attention on the wrong things. That was the topping to my misery cake. And it's because of this that I've learned a valuable lesson for myself.
What added to the disappointment and heartbreak was the way I was handling my feelings and my situation. I forgot about ME. I put so much focus on the wrong things that I lost who I was and what I wanted. 2012 was supposed to be a great year for me. I was cutting out all the negative. Instead, it came back full force and this time proved that there was no getting rid of it unless I threw it out myself.
So I am. 2013 did not start off right for me. But I refuse to let that ruin the rest of my year. I will take my leap of faith and make the best of this. No one is going to pull me out of this funk and change things for me. I believed in so much, got my hopes raised really high. And nothing happened. I was disappointed. And it won't happen again.
Because I am putting all my focus on myself. For me. Not to prove a point. Not to show anyone anything. But for self satisfaction. Just knowing that I got myself to where I want to be on my own is enough. I feel a certain joy when I achieve something on my own, no matter how hard it was to start and how hard it was to get through it.
I hope all of you do the same. Don't settle just to settle. Do your best to reach your goals. I did, starting with cosmetology, and I had the best time ever. Wish and dream and then make those dreams come true by working hard. It'll be very difficult, but the reward in the end will be amazing. That's what I'm looking for; my amazing ending. I'm right there with you, beside you, reaching for those dreams and solidifying it into goals, working hard to succeed.
I started this blog because I love beauty and fashion. I'm no guru and I'm no fashion stylist. I'm just a girl who loves makeup and fashion. I'm a licensed cosmetologist who is seeking to expand her horizons and hone her skills. Who wants to share with you my life through my eyes and my thoughts and my opinions. I want to seek happiness, not be stagnant and redundant. I don't want to do ordinary. I want to reach for the stars and succeed instead of sitting around and wishing. I will conquer. And I will smile.
I wish you will all smile with me ^_^
Love sincerely,
Michi